The Illiad: From the Causes of the War to
by SteelDolls
Summary: ...the Death of Its Greatest Heroes: A Parody in Two Acts. Covers a number of classic Greek myths, from the Golden Apple, to Helen of Troy, to the magical falling bush that protects innocent eyes from witnessing grown men smooching. Warnings: Violence & Death, The Author Has Bad Taste in Humor, Need to Facepalm, This Is Absolutely Not Precisely How Things Happened Probably.
1. Chapter 1

_I was sorting through some old, disorganized papers and found/rediscovered this story in amongst other things. I decided to post it up here for my amusement. Once upon a time, this parody fic was the result of a "creative" school project. My Mythology teacher at that time had a sense of humor, and so I remember that it got an 'A'... xD My poor teacher. You put up with so much from me. And I wasn't ever even sorry for it. hahaha..._

 _I guess this is proof positive that, "Once a brat, always a brat." ^^ Oh well._

 _Since this has to be re-transcribed from a print out, my apologies for any errors that were caused (or missed) as a result of that. (If you catch any, please feel free to PM me so I can fix them- it drives me nuts, too.)_

...

ACT 1

Chapter 1: The Cause of the War

Once upon a time, a beautiful goddess fell in love with King Peleus, and he with she. However, the three greatest goddesses hated her and sought to deny her happiness. These three goddesses: Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite, had always been jealous of her collection of porcelain pigs, and now saw their opportunity to make Eris pay.

The vengeful goddesses blackened her name in the hopes of ruining her love with Peleus, but he stayed strong and refused to believe the vicious lies. But Athena had another idea and employed Aphrodite's services to change the unfortunate king's heart. With Hera's aid, a sea nymph consented to marrying the muddled Peleus... and when he woke from the love goddess's spell, it would be too late (mwaha!)

All the gods of Olympus were invited to the wedding- all except Eris, that is. The evil three knew that she could break the spell if given enough time with King Peleus. Eris would not be deceived, however. She discovered the wicked plot- but too late, she arrived just as the ceremony ended. Thetis, the sea nymph, had already become Peleus's wife.

Eris would not forgive this outrage. She swore to become the goddess of discord and tear these three goddesses apart. Hatching a clever plan, she used their vanity against them.

Taking a golden apple inscribed with the words "For the Fairest," she rolled it into the midst of the trio. Stricken with greed, all three goddesses began to squabble. The words soon turned to slaps, then to punches, kicks, and bites. The rest of the gods stayed far away- none desired the apple so much as to fight those rabid immortals for it.

Skin and flesh flew about the room. Hera scratched Athena's face, who bit her shoulder while ripping Aphrodite's hair out. Aphrodite called upon Cupid to poke out the eyes of the other two with his love arrows. (Luckily he was waylaid by Dionysus.) Finally, exhausted, the three females fell to the floor, their friendship forever broken. Eris had had her revenge.

The three goddesses would not let the apple deal go, though. They decided to get the judgement of Zeus about their fairness, but each spoke to him alone- Aphrodite threatened to let the cat out of the bag about his encounter with that cross dresser, Athena threatened to paint his shield bight pink, and Hera... Hera was his wife. Does she /need/ to threaten? So Zeus couldn't really choose any of the three without risking a terrible counterblow. He very wisely stayed out of the affair. Disgruntled, the goddesses decided to get the judgement of a mortal instead. The mortal they chose... was Paris.

Chapter 2: The Judgement of Paris

Paris, a simpleton, was far too stupid to understand the difference between sheep and apples, but, like most men, desired most highly for a lovely creature to satisfy his libido. (Whether it be the sheep or the apple.) When presented with the three goddesses' dilemna, he (quite naturally) didn't give a care about it- He was too busy staring at (or more appropriately, through) Aphrodite's transparent garment.

Each goddess plotted to take him aside and bribe him, as they had done with Zeus, but Aphrodite got to him first. Leaning seductively over him, the love goddess whispered hotly into his ear, "If you choose me, I will give you the love of the most lovely sheep that exists... but if you choose Hera or Athena, I will make sure you never get it up again."

Paris, charmed by her eloquent words, was too preoccupied with the concepts explained to him to even listen to Hera and Athena's proposals. He decided it wasn't worth pissing Aphrodite off, and gave her the apple. Aphrodite flipped the other two off and made off with the apple.

Hera and Athena, reasonably irritated with her antics, took out their rage on a nearby flock of sheep, unknowingly killing off the most lovely sheep in the land. However, this did not go unnoticed by Eris, who knew that Aphrodite must keep her promise. But with the most lovely sheep in the land gone, which sheep's love would Paris be given? The goddess of discord smiled darkly and made her way... to the court of Menelaus.

Chapter 3: The Sheep Called Helen

Helen, Menelaus's wife, was a beautiful woman, with feet three inches long, legs that reached to her neck, and one nice package in between. Her face wasn't so bad, either... save the fact that she looked eerily like a sheep. But that's another story. Helen had learned early on in life that men tended not to look at her face, and that the subject should not be brought up in polite conversation. Compliments about her always referred to what lay below the neck.

If Helen had been a nice old country girl, she might not have cared about the fact that her husband cared more about her legs than her mind. Helen of Troy was not, however, a nice old country girl. Over the year she had developed a terrible hatred of men; those slimy, useless creatures that strut around and proclaimed their manhood by marrying their mothers and killing their cousins. (However unbeknownst to them. It was still WRONG!) She knew, however, that a man was necessary in order to get anywhere in this world.

'It's too bad,' she would reflect, 'that a man could not be more like a woman; someone who would respect me, someone who also is considered weak and useless by her peers... and yet, I am sure there would be a band of iron will beneath such exterior! Some day I shall escape from this man-made prison and find my true soul mate!'

Like most feminists, Helen was considered quite mad, but since she had such nice legs her insanity was overlooked.

But why the long description of this wacko's character? What possible use do we have for focusing on someone so obviously demented? Well, that's what Eris asked herself... until, that is, she saw the lovely sheeplike face of Helen. She knew that Helen would be the perfect sheep for Paris. No one lovelier could exist, now that the most beautiful sheep in existence had been obliterated. Eris's smile grew darker. What a scandal it would be... Discord would be served once again. Eris flew back to Olympus in glee.

Chapter 4: Paris the Sheep Thief

Aphrodite was quite disgruntled when discovering that the most lovely sheep in existence had been killed moments after her promise to Paris. Despite her quirks, she still had enough respect for the dead that that particular sheep was off-limits for Paris's ardor. Imagine how overjoyed she was to hear that there was another lovely sheep- never mind that she was a feminist and the wife of a king! Heck, Eris was gonna marry that other king, and she'd helped screw up that wedding, right? She was a goddess of love, not marriage. It'd help her image to encourage an extra-marital affair between the sheep girl and Paris.

She quickly went to Paris and told him where to find her promised reward, and sent him on his way. Paris was just psyched to be getting his sheep at last. Over lots of miles he went, coming finally to Menelaus's court, where he was received as a guest. Menelaus, being the chump he was, showed Helen off like the prized china to Paris, who was instantly smitten. That face! Those eyes! That nose! Oh, and the legs were nice, too. While Menelaus skipped off to one of his business meetings, Paris wooed Helen.

Helen was astonished to find that Paris was enamored with her face instead of her attributes. He seemed to be a slight man, a man others might call a weakling or an idiot... but yet, those feminine curves of his face! The way his eyes opened too wide when he was spoken to! The long pause as he assimilated her husband's words! Perhaps... just perhaps... could not all men be masculine? Perhaps there could be a man who could touch her heart... someone kind and stupid, someone who could be manipulated in a manner that would give Helen the power in their relationship... could Paris be... the One?

Paris thought so. He went to Helen's room and complimented her on her sheeplike face, her dewy eyes. Her long, woolen hair. It was lust at first sight! Paris knew this was the promised sheep. Helen was smitten by his feminine looks and stupidity and agreed to be "captured" by the gallant youth. The two snuck out of the court and made a run for it. They were far away by the time Menelaus returned to find his wife gone.

Chapter 5: The Thousand Ships Launch

When Menelaus returned to find Helen gone, he called upon his neighbors for help. No one wanted to, but their union said that they had to help Menelaus, so there wasn't really much choice in the matter. All the neighbors save two grouped together to steal ships and practice with firearms. It was a merry old time, but it couldn't last.

There was a problem within the ranks. Evidently, one of their old friends had gone quite batty. Odysseus of Ithaca, the brave Odysseus, had been met by a terrible soap-opera-ish tragedy and was now sowing salt into his fields, claiming that the earth would grow the tears that were being shed in his manly heart over the loss of his friend Achilles. They had once been very close, those two, but a stupid arguement had torn them apart. Odysseus would fight no one, would kill no boars, would not even spit in the potted plants; he was so heartbroken.

He was so distraught that he chased his little son through the field, intent on plowing the boy. If his marriage had broken apart his friendship, then by kami-sama, he would destroy the product that that cursed marriage had produced! The messenger stopped him short, though.

"What would Achilles think of you, proud Odysseus, so broken by the loss of his friendship that you would kill your own son? He would think you weak! Are you weak, Odysseus? It was your strength that Achilles admired about you... your strength in your heart! Open up to him, let Achilles back into your heart! Come back with me to the camp where we shall indulge once more in sport and games! Come back and show all men how manly you are!"

Moved by the incredible speech, Odysseus dropped the plow, eyes wide, and spoke, "All this time, I thought it was my marriage that drove Achilles from me, but now, now I see that it was my own weakness! I will crush this weakness and return even greater than ever! Achilles, wait for me!"

Rushing out of the field, Odysseus ran to rejoin with his koibito... but where WAS Achilles? He must find him, apologize for his wicked ways- no, he wouldn't apologize. Men don't apologize. He would hit him in the shoulder and all would be well... but first, where would Achilles be?

Odysseus searched. Finally, one beautiful morning, when the sun shone brightly and clouds were blue in the skies, Odysseus discovered the whereabouts of his long-lost friend. Disguising himself as a peddler, he came with trinkets and swords to the court of Lycomedes. He knew that Achilles could not resist a nice sword. As he watched, one of the harem girls fingered his sword, and he knew the girl for Achilles, who had been disguised in order to leave his former life with Odysseus behind him and start again.

Odysseus gruffly punches Achilles in the shoulder, and Achilles knew he had found his... friend... again. Odsseus, forgiving Achilles in his heart, was forgiven by Achilles, though neither of them said anything like that. I mean, how sappy can you get? Ugh! So anyways, they both went to camp and did manly things like kill defenseless animals and hold hands and pick wildflowers. With the soap-opera-ish crisis averted, the ships could sail to retrieve Helen... or could they?

Chapter 6: The Sacrifice of Iphigenia

No, they couldn't. The wind was in a bad mood and didn't want to go. The thing was, it had its eye on this cute little number named Iphigenia who happened to be the daughter of the chief commander of the fleet, Agamemnon. Now, Agamemnon was the utmost example of a thick-skulled man, and didn't want anyone to take his daughter away. She was his daughter after all, damnit! But he would obey the wind, because they really did have to rescue the sheep girl and all that heroid, manly stuff. So he called his wife and told her to bring Iphigenia to the camp.

Wis wife, well accustomed to be wary of her husband, asked why. Agamemnon came up with a devious plan- he told his wife that their daughter was to be married to the great hero Achilles, who was, of course, perfectly happy with Odysseus by now and didn't want any whiny little female disturbing their fun times.

Iphigenia's mother still suspected, but her daughter somehow got word of the supposed wedding, and in her ambitiousness she demanded to be bought to the wedding. Her mother said no, and so the maiden ran away to the camp. When she discovered her daughter's absence, Iphigenia's mother followed her to the camp.

Iphigenia, being the bratty little conniving female she was, was shocked at finding she had been deceived- she believed herself far too clever to be tricked.

"Why have you lied to me, father? There lays Odysseus, holding Achilles! What do you mean by deceiving me about this... this queer, who was to be my husband?" Iphigenia screeched at her sire. Driven into madness by the hideous sound of her voice and the insults at his friends, her father grabbed various kitchen instruments such as knives, cheese graters, and sporks, and fileted his irritating daughter.

Her mother, running into the camp, saw the gory spectacle and lost her lunch- proving after all that she had once more violated her oath to become a vegetarian. Agamemnon didn't see his wife; he was lost in the red madness that Iphigenia had brought down upon him. Screaming in incoherent and bloody gory, he laughed and laughed and laughed as the girl's blood splattered all over the place, permanantly staining several peoples' tunics. Later Agamemnon would feel sorry for his action, but he would make reparations by buying everyone a brand new tunic even better than the old ones.

The wind, suddenly freed of its obsession with Iphigenia, rejoiced at the fact that it had not, after all, been brought down by Aphrodite's arrows. It gladly helped its fellows and made the boats go. They sailed far and fast and left Iphigenia's mother in the dust and blood, leaving her to clean up the mess that was once Iphigenia. Hatred of the men slowly worked its way into her bosom with each sponge that was dirtied, and by the time the camp was cleaned and her beautiful dress was in ruins, the Queen had decided that she would get revenge on them. She stalked home and took a long bath, simmering in her rage. The time would come that she would get them... she would get them all.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for not only taking the time to read this story, but also leaving a review encouraging me. :D For you, I finally got up off my lazy ass cheeks and bothered to transcribe the rest of this story to post it. ^^;_

 _I heard "trolololol" going on in the background of my mind the whole time... xD_

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ACT 2  
Chapter 7: The Ships Reach Troy

The thousand ships had launched. But the evil price they had paid was bound one day to ruin them. The sea was quiet for most of the trip and only a few guys fell overboard while wrestling. Two or three had gotten pretty seasick, but they cheered themselves up at the prospect of grabbing a few girls once they got to land... who could clean up the mess, of course.

One of these such men was named Protesilaus. He was a fine example of manliness, that rugged figure called Protesilaus! So glad to see the shore finally, he jumped ashore and was promptly skewered by the natives. At the moment the spear impaled him, his world slowed to a stop, time moving like molasses.

He saw his childhood, his dog growing from a puppy to an old dog, the smiling faces of his friends laughing and calling out to him as they played their first game of hopscotch... The image was ripped through with a sharp point, blood shredding the image to shattered fragments that blew away like paper in the wind.

As he fell, the men on the ships cried out as one to see his bright soul extinguished. But to their wonderment, his body began to glow even as the light went out in his eyes. Becoming a brilliant shining star, Protesilaus flew up into the sky to join with the brave souls that are the stars in the heavens.

Tears fell silently down the faces of his peers, but they swore not to be sad, for he would always be watching down, smiling on them; that brave, brilliant soul that was Protesilaus. Though some people would say that he just died and was later brought up from the dead by Hermes to see his mourning wife, Laodamia, we know the truth behind the myth.

So the Greeks from the ships, hearts aching with the vision of Protesilaus impaled on that spear, stormed the walls of the Trojan City. The Trojans were strong and fought for nine long years, the armies' forces about equal. Neither side was able to gain an advantage. Then a quarrel flared up between two Greeks: Achilles and Agamemnon. Again, this dissension among the ranks was the fault of a woman.

Chryseis, a daughter of Apollo's priest had been kidnapped in a recent raid and given to Agamemnon as his cut of the booty. However, her father was one of those wacko god-obsessed people, plus Chryseis was the only one in his family who knew how to make a decent breakfast.

Calling on Apollo to rain down his wrath on the thieves of his daughter, he was shocked to find that no one answered. Hadn't he prayed every day in Apollo's temple? Hadn't he kissed the feet of Apollo's statue? Finding himself bereft of the god whom he had worshipped so long's attention, he snapped! Climbing a nearby cliff, he screamed aloud that he was Apollo and the Greeks would pay for their evils! Throwing poisoned thumbtacks down among the troops, he laughed as they fell to their knees, sickening and dying.

"You will never win until you give the maiden back! MWAHAHAHAA!" The old man cackled.

At last Achilles c alled the troops together to discuss the crazy old coot's wrath. They decided to give the maiden back, if only to stop that awful laughter that was giving everyone such a headache. Agamemnon, however, was majorly pissed off. He hadn't had a decent breakfast for nine years- now, he was going to lose one of the only decent cooks in the camp?! Yet he saw the reason in the soldiers' decision. He agreed to the proposal, but only if he could have Briseis, one of the other captured girls and the only other decent cook and Achilles' prize, in Chryseis's place.

Now, Achilles had developed kind of a thing for the girl and was really upset when he found out the decision of the other men. He tried to refuse the order, but Odysseus distracted him with a bouquet of wildflowers, allowing the messengers to steal away his prize. In great anger, Achilles threw a tantrum and stormed out of Odysseus's tent, leaving the poor hero's heart in shreds. Odysseus, hurt beyond measure by this second parting, ran off to become a hermit, forever afterwards forsaking the company of handsome men.

That night Achilles ran off to his mommy and told her about how the bad men had stolen his prize and had cost him the friendship of Odysseus once again. After holding him and having him polish her silver feet, Thetis, the sea nymph who had married Eris's boyfriend, treacherously told her son to leave those ungrateful louts and come with her to take over the world. Comforted by her words, Achilles snubbed the other men and went off to live in a different direction than Odysseus had gone in, leaving them to fight their own stupid war, and to heck with that sheep faced girl Helen.

With Achilles gone, the Greeks were hard pressed to keep the siege up. Thetis had gone to Zeus and told him that the Greeks were all meanies and had hurt her feelings, so he should kill them all and let Troy win the war. Zeus didn't want to get on his wife, Hera's, bad side over the whole thing, but he couldn't resist Thetis's charms and ended up having an affair with her too.

Anyways, while all this was happening, Helen had gotten rather sick of Paris's soldiers cluttering up the living room. Deciding the best way to get rid of them was to have the Greeks kill them, she snuck out one night and flashed her legs until the Greek soldiers regained their courage and could kill some more Trojans. Though a feminist, Helen wasn't above using any advantage over those despicable /men/ to manipulate them to do her bidding.

Chapter 8: Paris Vs Menelaus

Inside Trojan City, all was not well. Paris had been cornered by this big bully of a Trojan and was being mercilessly tormented. Without Helen to protect him, Paris could do nothing but submit to the antics of manlier men. Finally, he could take it no more and ran, crying, out of the city walls.

The Greek army was astonished into immobility at the sight of the thief of Helen bawling like a weakling. Paris, crying so hard he couldn't see what was in front of him, ran directly into Menelaus and collapsed in his arms. Shocked, Menelaus could do nothing but stand there as the feminine sheep lover blubbered.

Noticing the pause in the fighting, Helen turned to see her own Paris in the arms of her husband! How could he betray her like this?! He was just like all the other men. She should never have trusted him! As she watched and her fury rose, Menelaus magically transformed, finding inside him a soft spot, a protectiveness that made him want to comfort the weeping boy.

Holding Paris close, he bent his head down to kiss the boy. Paris's eyes grew huge. He tried to struggle away- he could not be false to his beautiful sheep girl! But Menelaus wouldn't let go! The lips descended closer and closer! And suddenly a Falling Bush (tm) fell in front of both of them.

Sounds of a struggle were heard through the greenery and shortly a frazzled looking Paris emerged from the Bush, running through the ranks until he disappeared from sight. Menelaus, twigs in his hair, struggled to be free from the Bush's branches, but it was too late to stop Paris.

"I'll find you, Paris! No matter how long it takes, I will find you and then we shall be together always!" Menelaud fervently vowed.

On the other side of camp, Paris sneezed violently.

So Agamemnon spoke to both armies and declared Menelaus the winner. A truce was called and would have worked out peacefully, except for the fact that Pandarus, a Trojan, had a crush on Paris too and in his jealous rage shot an arrow at Menelaus. Menelaus was not injured much physically, but the mere thought of his beloved Paris being cared for by another sent him into a mad rage. He roared in anger and the battle commenced once more. With much fighting, the Trojans finally gained an advantage with the help of Hector, the Horse Tamer, and beat the Greeks back to their ships.

Agamemnon was grief stricken. If only Achilles had been there, the battle would have been theirs. Odysseus bowed his head and suddenly saw how foolish he had been to deny his heart and seek solitude. Achilles was the only one who could save them... he must try to make amends. With purpose in his heart, Odysseus and two other chieftains travelled to Achilles' lonely tent to beg for his forgiveness. But Achilles had spent too long hardening his heart, and not even passionate words could change his mind. For all he cared, the Greeks could go to Tartarus.

The next day, the battle rejoined and the battle was miraculously turned in favor of the Greeks, due to Her's seducing of her husband Zeus. Hector fainted before the Greek hero Ajax, but Apollo came down to his favorite consort and breathes life into him reviving him. o.O The two rejoined in battle, and the army was like a flock of frightened sheep driven by mountain lions before them. Patroclus, one of Achilles' friends, was horrified.

"Please go help them!" He cried to Achilles, but Achilles, the proud ex-harem girl, refused.

"Take my armor and fight in my place if you care so much more about those sheep than you do me!" Achilles jealously exclaimed.

So Patroclus put on the armor and went out to fight Trojans, and did a pretty fine job of it until he came face-to-face with Hector, who killed him and stole the armor. That night Achilles waited for Patroclus to return. He waited in vain. A messenger boy, Nestor's son, told him the bad news. Achilles' heart broke in two.

"If I am fated to die directly after Hector, let it be so. I will make Hector pay with his death for Patroclus dead, I who did not help my comrade in his sore need. I will kill the destroyer of him I loved, then I will accept death when it comes," Achilles spoke with dread calm and swore to his silver-footed mother that it would be so.

Patroclus would be avenged. Achilles rejoined the Trojans and told them of his folly in losing the two men he loved best- the life of one, and the affection of the other. Odysseus cried tears of joy and embraced Achilles, swearing to fight beside him and never to part again until their deaths.

Chapter 9: The Death of Hector

At dawn, on came Achilles, glorius as the sun when he rises. Hector, facing him, spoke.

"If I kill you, I will give your body back to your men, will you do the same for me?"

"Manman. There are no covenants between sheep of wolves, nor between you and me," Achilles scornfully replied, raising his spear. The weapon flew and hit Hector straight in the throat. Blood sprayed everywhere and the new tunics from Agamemnon were ruined. Achilles was still not satisfied, though. Patroclus's death was not avenged enough.

Achilles walked over to the mangled body that was Hector and pierced his feet, fastening him to the back of his chariot. Then he lashed his horses and drove around in circles until the body was all yucky and dirty.

Hector's father heard of his defeat and loaded up on treasure and bribes, hoping to retrieve his son's body for burial. He came into the camp and made personal peace with his son's slayer. Achilles, touched by his words, agreed to a temporary truce between the two armies for as long as the funeral ceremony would last. Hector's body was returned, a little worse for the wear, to his own blood.

Nine days they lamented him, then they burned his body and placed the ashes in a golden urn. Even Helen mourned him. Hector, the kind horse tamer, was truly the only example that men could have a gently spirit. Truly, this dead man only was her friend. And with this, the Iliad ends... though not the war.


End file.
